please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
