I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
