I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
