If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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