Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
