Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
