Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
