Swine flu. Run for my life!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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