We won't sleep together?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
