The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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