i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
