Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
it was like eating out sand paper
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
