that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
