beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
