I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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