someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
