I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
