Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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