Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize