me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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