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When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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