i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
