This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
