we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
