It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
