This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
