It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
