you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
