So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
