when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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