I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
