UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I think my moral compass just broke
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
