I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
