Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
