So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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