Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
