I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
