I'm gonna have a badass scar
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
