then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
