I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
