every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
either way he was missing a nipple.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
