my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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