Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
