oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
its liver damage thursday
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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