Little spoons don't ask big questions
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
