she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize