I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
im holly from the hills drunk
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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