I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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