I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
