I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
