Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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