I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
bring money and cleavage
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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