I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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