Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
The power of my boobs compel you
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize