I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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