Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
