You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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