I'm laying in your front yard are you home
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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