The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You are a genius and a whore.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
