Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just found puke in my bra..
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
