Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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