Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
