D3 body, D1 cock
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize